If You Grew Up Thinking Your Bisexuality Was Not Real, This Is For You

To my dearest friend,

First of all, I want to say I’m so sorry it took me so long to write to you. I’ve been working through some of my own stuff over the past few years and I didn’t know you were suffering so much too. Honestly, it’s funny how alone you can feel as a bisexual prince and then you realize we are all out here feeling so alone, together.

Anyway, I wanted to write this letter to let you know I love you, darling. I’m devastated that this has been so hard for you. If I had known you were in pain I would have come to you. I would have put my arms around you and told you it was ok, you are ok, you exist. It breaks my heart to think about all the times your television, or your friends, or your family, or strangers, have chosen to belittle you or force you into a box because they couldn’t be bothered to try and understand you.

I’m going to define bisexuality here as I see it:

BISEXUAL — A person attracted to their own gender as well as others.

BISEXUAL — A person capable of the type of loving our world needs.

BISEXUAL — A magical angel.

I don’t know about you but I always struggled with the term bisexual because it implied a gender binary, man — woman, that didn’t fit into my understanding of gender. But with the definition of bisexual above, one that fits well, I get to honor the fight for the term by our queer ancestors while also acknowledging the multitudes of gender identity.

These days I find that my bisexuality and gender identity inform one another. I identify as a female (she/her) but perform as a non-binary drag king and I experience the world as non-binary. My attraction to people has less to do with their gender and more to do with who they are. These people’s gender expression is a facet of their personhood and not a pre-requisite for their attractiveness. Understanding this has allowed me to experience my own gender simply as an expression of my insides. I am submerged in fluidity and I have never felt more at home.

Yesterday, I posted on Instagram talking about that scene in Sex And The City where Carrie says “I’m not even sure bisexuality exists. I think it’s a layover on the way to gaytown.” And I had an overwhelming response from my bisexual family echoing the pain from being told that we don’t exist. My heart aches to know that so many of us have been made to feel this way. In the same breath, there was a glorious moment where I got to feel us coming together in my inbox. I knew I had to share the commiseration outpouring and the magic of discovering that we share a pain. Something I didn’t even know was possible because we all are still hiding it so well. I want to share this feeling with you. I want you to feel held by your family, and validated by your community.

In this SATC scene where Carrie is a bisexuality-denier, right next to her sits Miranda Hobbs, played by the actor and politician Cynthia Nixon. Nixon is out in the world as bisexual. I don’t know where on her sexuality journey she was when this scene was filmed but, fucking hell! It was bad enough to have to see that on TV as a baby queer, I can hardly imagine what it must have been like for her to have to sit there and endorse a denial of her very own personhood.

Later in that episode, instead of gaining a greater understanding of sexual fluidity once she gets closer to the bisexual man she is dating, Carrie encounters a cartoonish version of a sexually open group of friends. While there is nothing intrinsically wrong with a group of friends who share partners and play spin the bottle at birthday parties, the way the SATC creators choose to frame this sort of behavior as if it’s freakish and alien issues the second wound. First, they say we are liars and then they say we are freaks.

Side note: Alanis Morisset playing a queer woman at the end of the episode certainly made it harder for me to pretend I wasn’t queer myself.

This particular scene has shown up many times in my rabid rewatching of the series (It’s the season Carrie meets Aiden people!) and has been parroted back to me in the wild. It has done some real damage. It’s shit like this that kept me in the closet. It made me want to stay hidden until I could prove I was one or the other. It took me what felt like forever to realize that I wasn’t going to miraculously change to fit into a gay or straight box. And I wasn’t interested in waiting to find my forever person so that I could say, “Look! I’m with a Man/Woman so I am straight/gay!” I never believed in a forever person anyway and the idea that the person you are sleeping with being the only marker of your sexuality is ludicrous.

I am constantly coming out and have been doing so since I was twelve when I first knew I was queer but didn’t have the language for it. After doing so much of the labor it took to consciously come out to my friends and family, I wondered if it was worth it. Couldn’t I just come out if I decided to marry a woman? Well, here I am posting on the internet about it and let me tell you the connection I feel with others from not hiding myself, allowing myself to be seen truly, was worth all the awkwardness and I am sure will be worth all of the awkwardness that has yet to be experienced in my life regarding my sexuality. Ultimately, I decided to come out because I felt how powerful it was to witness myself mirrored positively in people out in the public eye. I didn’t want anyone to feel like they couldn’t be out if they wanted to, and it felt urgent. The responses to my Instagram post confirmed that urgency for me. This is not to say you have to come out if you are not ready or safe. This is simply to say that if you feel like you are trapped I am here to remind you, you are not alone, you are not a liar, and you are not a freak.

I can’t move on without addressing the b-story in this episode where they “deal” with gender fluidity…. Sorry, I just passed out from rolling my eyes too hard. As a person who performs as a drag king, a storyline where a cis white male takes photos of women who dress as men for his art makes me want to start a drag king riot. I use drag as a way to express my gender identity on stage because I get to set the rules of gender for the length of a song and at no point am I doing it so a cis white male can realize that gender is fluid (although it is nice when they do). The whole point of this storyline is so that Charlotte can put a sock in her pants and gain the courage to smooch a dude who is appropriating gender expression that does not belong to him for his personal financial gain. (We actually watch him get a check for the pictures he took of drag kings. In this fictional world, I hope he paid his models.)

Now, I’m not enough of an idiot to be just finding out that SATC is problematic. This show is notoriously bad for many marginalized groups. They made huge strides for horny rich white ladies but boy oh boy does that show have some answering to do for the way it treated queer people, people of color, fat people, poor people, disabled people, the list is endless. But if this scene in SATC, or any television show *ahem* The L Word *ahem*, or movie, or book, or person in a position of power made you feel like you had to hide or squash who you are, I want you to know it’s possible to get out. You are well within your rights to have a gorgeous colorful life where you can live fully expressed. People will still ask you stupid questions like… “Is it like, what mood you are in, like a man or a woman? Or do you go through phases? Do you like one better? Do you miss dicks when you are with a woman?” And depending on your patience that day you might explain to them what your sexuality means to you. Or you can just tell them that they are asking rude questions and they can go ask the internet (not the porn part). Or make them read this! (Hi person asking stupid questions, I hope this clarifies things for you. If you‘re still confused, send me an email and please leave your friend alone or you may lose them.)

To the people who have chosen to have an opinion about your sexuality, or to invalidate it, I say fuck them! They have not lived in your body, they have not lived in your heart. They have not loved the people you have loved, they have not fucked the people you have fucked, so how on earth are they qualified to have an opinion about your sexual identity.

You are not defined by the person you are currently sleeping with. You are not defined by the people you have slept with. You are not defined by the people you will sleep with. You get to define you, my gorgeous friend. If you are still trying to figure yourself out, or you are working towards coming out, or you are out as heck, I think it important to know we are not alone.

You are a goddamn unicorn baby. Regardless of who you might be smooching right now, you’re a magical being that is expansive enough to love so many different types of people. If someone fears you it’s because you are proof that they don’t understand everything. You are proof of magic.

Love Rose xxx

P.S. If bisexuality was a stop on the way to gaytown for you then I’m so glad you stayed here for a while! You are welcome here in bi-ville anytime, We can drink sparkling water with lime in it, and watch the sun-set, holding hands if you like.